it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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