Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
