Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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