There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
