I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
