hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
