I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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