Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
