you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
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