I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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