He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
