I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Why is your signature on my underwear?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
