Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
