Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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