so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
