omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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