i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
