What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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