I puked a lego.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
