i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
