I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She's the barista slut.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
