I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
