I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
