just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
