I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
