Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
