I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
