Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
