just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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