either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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