Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
