what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
