I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
