dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
