How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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