I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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