i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
