You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
