I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
