My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
