Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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