There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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