I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
