I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
