Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
