Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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