i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
