apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
