I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Where is the hickey?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
