dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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