a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
