Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
your like the ambassador to my penis.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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