Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
