I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
