You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
