Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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